When you pick up your life in one country and move to another, its hard to fully comprehend the changes that occur in your relationships. A surprising reality is that you can experience the loneliest time of your life for a period of time, and that loneliness can shift unexpectedly as strangers quickly become some of the most important people in your life. Expat friendships in particular can develop at a remarkable speed. You share the discomfort of being new, the enthusiasm of new experiences, the frustrations of this new everyday life, and before long this new friend feels like someone you have known forever. Whilst I have a few very treasured best friends here in Australia, I find myself reflecting on this phenomenon as I sit across from one of my dearest Australian/UK friends during her visit to her family, and I feel nothing but grateful. Why are these friendships so incredibly different and special.

The strange intensity of expat friendships

Living the expat life is unique, and whilst you are sharing meals, adventures, conversations, homesickness, and the logistics of life across two countries, this shared experience creates an intensity that is not seen in slow growing friendships. This is likely because you are connected through “figuring it out together” or one of you are helping the other, and this is how I met my beautiful friend. It was late 2018 only days after arriving in the UK and I was navigating the everyday logistics of setting up our new life in England and failing miserably. I posted an introductory spiel in a London expats group, and my now friend/then stranger took a big leap and sent me the most wonderful message of encouragement, shared her experience, offered meaningful advice, and invited our family to spend time with theirs. I have heard many people profess that you cannot build deep friendships quickly, but I now know this to be untrue – from the first in person meeting there was a connection not only between us, but between our husbands and children.

Expat friends, local friends, and friends from home differ

All friends are equally important to and cherished by me, and their differences are why my life is so rich. My friends from home have my past, present, and future. They were there on the journey leading up to our expat experience, along with welcoming us home with so much love when we returned. They knew us before we were forever changed by our experiences during those almost five years abroad, and for those that remain in our circle, we are forever grateful. I guess many of my friendships from abroad could be considered as “local” friends, those people who grew up there, know the local culture, and have the insider knowledge that I could never begin to fully understand even after almost 5 years there. Locals give you the opportunity to expand yourself out of the bubble of what is comfortable and familiar, to truly embrace this new life you are building, and for my local friends I am forever grateful.

Your expat friends however are a completely different type of friendship, because primarily they can walk beside you through the experience of culture shock, and you will never have to explain the details. They are the ones who understand the longing for home even when this move has been a choice you were happy to make, and graciously understand what you may need to help you settle in and make life feel like “home” again. Although my expat friend is Australian, I have many others that come from a variety of different countries and cultures, and there are deep similarities in many of the common experiences.

Goodbyes

The difficulty with expat life is that expats frequently return home, and the friendships you have created then transition to long distance ones that face the challenge of differing time zones, and the busyness of those people navigating yet another move. This is just the nature of the great big world we now live in, complete with global travel and opportunities. This also isn’t just the experience of us expats, but also the locals we now consider to be part of our circle. If you are the expat leaving, you quickly realise that your friendships in your new home and the one you are returning to are about to shift and change once again, and that can be quite daunting. If you are lucky, you will maintain those friendships you cherish the most and make the changes needed to continue to nurture them well into the future. The changes however might be that your regular conversations may become further apart, your knowledge about their day to day lives might dwindle, and of course you will feel an overwhelming sense of FOMO. It is that in between feeling all over again and sadly some of those friendships won’t last the journey – and despite the sadness at the time, you will be okay because some friendships are not for a lifetime but they are for the right reason or season they were in.

Friendships are like home

Just like home, friendships are not about being together in a specific location – we each move house, schools, jobs, and relationships. Friendships are about the person and the value you each hold in each others lives. Think about your friends and what makes them truly special in your life even if you are far away, not in contact every day, or live completely different lifestyles – what stands out?

For me I have friends both at home and across the world who each bring something a little different into my life and hopefully I play that same role in their lives. Some check in with me almost every day just to say hello and see how I am doing, and we each share our moments to celebrate and the things we are struggling with, all without needing to fix each other but with an extended hand for help if it is needed. Some have a mutual understanding that we are in our busiest times of our lives with our children growing older, our marriages changing course towards empty-nesting, and our jobs needing a different level of attention – but we connect when we can by message, at gatherings, or for a drop in. Some are past or present colleagues who share similar experiences in life and in work, and who understand that it is great to spend time together outside these identities we have as healthcare professionals but who also understand the physical exhaustion, mental fatigue, and time it takes to be in those roles and navigate parenting and life all at the same time – so you do what you can.

Then there is my friend Anna. She now has a part of my past, my present, and my future – and at any one time can walk beside me in any of the above moments simultaneously. We have shared heavy talks about life, children, the pandemic, and work in the health care industry. We have shared holidays, weekend adventures, virtual holiday celebrations, and more funny moments in our 8 years of knowing each other than I can count. And as I sit across from her as she works into the night, I can finish this with the knowledge that our friendship will be as strong into the future as it is today – and all because one expat reached out a helping hand to another expat.

OUR BEAUTIFUL AUSSIE EXPAT FRIENDS ANNA AND ERIL IN BRUGES